Alone

It’s Friday, 9/22/2023. I’m so glad the work week is over. I’m so glad that driving around chauffeuring my son and getting food for my son and myself is over. And yet, I’m not really glad. It’s a Friday night, and I’m alone.

I’m sitting in a Japanese restaurant, waiting for the waitress to come take my order. I have decided to order 2 rolls and even a sake. I used to try to save money and order just one roll since I’m single now, and need to rely on my income to retire, but what a miserable life that would be so a splurge every so often would be enjoyable. I’m trying to live despite being alone, but it doesn’t get rid of feeling alone.

I’m not alone right now. The restaurant is full of couples and big groups. I’m sitting alone at a booth, sipping the hot house sake, and waiting for my rolls to arrive and reflecting, processing this past week while the neighboring conversations surround me in the background. Just a week ago, I was keeled over in a coffee shop crying, sweating from immense chest pain. I was rushed to the ER, and they ran tests. No heart attack. The heart was normal. This was the second time this year I had this but it was in the privacy of my own home, and I just waited for it to past and thought nothing of it and went about my day. And last year, I fainted and was sent to the hospital, and they had no idea what caused it. I am in the process of trying to make an appointment with a cardiologist to monitor my heart and begin the process of trying to figure out what is going on with me. It’s a frustrating process which I will not go into here. I’m lucky that my good friend, Kim, was with me, and came to the hospital. I wasn’t alone.

I’m really not alone. I have friends; I always see at least one friend each week. But I feel so, so alone. I recall a question my therapist asked me. “Do you have that one person you can go to for anything? ” That’ll be there for you no matter what? Usually it’s a family member, such as a Mom, brother, best friend, etc. My answer was “No”. That’s why I feel alone. I don’t have anyone I can hang out with at a moment’s notice, talk to, lean my head on, get a hug, someone to tell me it’s all gonna be alright, to help support and lift me up when I’m struggling, to celebrate my wins, to talk nonsense with, to let me simply vent, to care for me, my heart and soul; someone to depend on frequently, more than once a week. Knowing why I feel alone doesn’t help me. I feel this void in me. When I’m dead tired, that void which feels and looks like a black hole in the center of my torso starts to take over how I feel…feeling void and empty. Feeling incredibly alone.

And yet while I enjoy my rolls and sake, I think back to my brief stay in the ER and think about how I want to live my life and how to deal with loneliness. Do I let it stop me from truly living and enjoying life despite being on my own? As I enjoy each scrumptious bite, my feelings of loneliness start to fade. Getting out and about and being among people help even though I’m sitting alone. And in my thoughts, a past comment from my therapist pops up, “you’re taking care of yourself, self-soothing – that’s important.” Perhaps that’s why I feel less alone. My inner self decided it wanted Japanese food tonight, and I came out and got it and not letting dining alone stop me.

I take a picture of my food and share it with some friends, and my son, in an attempt to not feel alone. With a few others, especially my son, my picture included the laptop with this page titled Alone. So I’m not hiding that I’m feeling alone. I’m also showing that despite feeling alone, I am still out there, trying to live and putting one foot in front of the other, bravely facing my feelings of being alone. Yay for me! I also post my food picture, but this time, without the laptop and article Alone snapshot, on Facebook with a cherry and funny caption but not revealing my inner and deep somber feelings of being alone. That act of hiding by itself makes me feel alone.

I believe I cannot reveal my true self to many. They will try to fix me, and even if they try to make me feel better, I feel they don’t truly understand me. I think they don’t understand the feelings I’m going through and that my feelings tho sad are ok. I’m of the belief that people have good intentions but their actions void my feelings, and that makes me feel alone.

So it seems I’m in conflict with myself. I feel alone if I reveal my true self with friends cuz I feel misunderstood. And if I don’t socialize, I am still alone.

Perhaps, it’s necessary to feel alone, to be alone so that I can unpack and come to terms and accept my own feelings, and not worry about what others think. Perhaps, what I perceive how people are “judging” me is just me judging myself. Perhaps I need to learn new ways of communicating with people where I’m still authentic to myself and don’t put myself in a situation where I’m “judged” or they’re trying to fix me. And also, to learn to not defend but learn to recognize the situation and learn to kindly stop them, be gracious of their intention, and say I hear their intention, and then slowly move the conversation onto something else if I feel the conversation is going in a direction I am not comfortable with. Actually this is good for any conversation, not just about sharing feelings.

And as I walk home, feeling full and content, I walk proudly alone. As I enter the house, my baby girl, this cute bundle of fur, runs up to me so excited to see me. And I her. With her and my inner self, I never truly am alone.

My goal is to live my life joyously, go on adventures, and have daily battles with my feelings of being alone, and I hope my adventurous side will win most of the time. Since I don’t have close family (my brothers), and my boys are growing up living their life (I’m not out of it, but I can’t be in it daily, they have their own lives), and I don’t have a partner, there will be moments where I’m going to feel lonely. Loneliness is only one small part of me. And today I gave it space to be heard and seen. I accept that I’m currently alone.